Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Finding out your own father is a cheating bastard is definitely hard to swallow.

Years ago, I learned that my father had "someone" else. Of course, I didn't know all the details since my family isn't a very, shall we say, tight knit family. We don't share a lot of anything with each other. I only found out because my sister-in-law told me. The few details I did know were from conversations that I had overheard.

My mom and our entire family was pretty hurt by my father's actions. I was hurt, confused, and freaking pissed as hell. I was hurt by his betrayal to our family. I was confused because how can someone I love do something like this. I was pissed because he hurt my mother. He never apologized, not that I know of. After finding out what he did, I stopped talking to him. I just couldn't look at him the same anymore. He was someone who betrayed our family and my trust. The silence lasted for about 2-3 years.

I eventually started talking to him two years ago. Things look liked they were OK again. It appeared that he had changed his cheating ways. Boy was I wrong. A few weeks ago, I had this gut feeling that something was going on. So, I looked at his phone when he was in the bathroom. What I found was that he was once again back to his old disloyal ways. I confronted him. I basically gave him an ultimatum. I told him I knew, and to cut it off with her and never go back to city she lives in. If he goes back, my relationship with him is over, and I will tell my mother.  How did he reply, you might ask? He didn't deny that there was "someone" else. He just pretty much said, "So?" And he said he's going to go back to that city.

I guess what they say is true: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Always playing catch up, but never catching up.

I've come to realize that there is no way to ever catch up.

For the 30 plus years of my life, I've worked hard. I can't say I was a good student, but I tried to the best of my ability. I had various jobs since I was a teen. First starting off at my parents' business, then venturing off to work for other people. At each of these positions, I tried, I really did. I did what I was supposed to do, and I did it well, or so I thought. But after all these years, I still feel lost and without purpose. I look at my friends with envy. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. They seem to travel everywhere and buy whatever they want without any worries. Their life seems perfect. Then there is me. I work a 9-5 job, hardly spend much money, and yet I still struggle with not having enough money. Perhaps the key issue is my job is simply a job, and not a career.

This is where people will probably say, "Then stop working at jobs and find yourself a career!" I wish it was that easy, and maybe it is. Maybe I am the one that is making it complicated. Perhaps I should stop looking for that career that I will enjoy doing for the rest of my life because such things don't exist. However, I really don't think that is true. I truly believe such things do exist, but just hard to come by. I think my biggest problem is that I don't know what truly makes me happy. I have lots of interest, but nothing I am particularly good at. Therefore, none of these things can become a career for me. Or can they?

Some people are lucky enough to know what they want to do early on in life. Then there are people like me, who after so many years of searching still can't find it. I wish I was one of the lucky few, but I'm not. So here I am, working day to day, trying to survive and catch up to the people around me only to realize that I will never ever catch up.